Contra Costa Preschool Directory & Kindergartens

If your Child is a Crybaby

by

Dr. Lawrence Kutner

They are like tiny Stan Laurels in a schoolyard filled with Oliver Hardys. These are the children who routinely respond with tears to what seems like even the slightest provocation or challenge. They are viewed with disdain by other children, and embarrassment by the parents. Even the word—crybaby—reflects our disappointment that they are not as mature in their social interactions as we had hoped.

Such extreme emotional sensitivity appears to be partly genetic. In many cases, we can see it soon after birth. These are often the newborns who startle easily, have difficulty adjusting to bright lights, or seem uncomfortable in certain types of diapers or clothing. According to some researchers, there is a positive side to this temperament. Many of these children are also more sensitive to the feelings of others. They have greater empathy for other children and, especially, for animals. Also, just as they are prone to cry more easily than other children, they also tend to laugh more. I worry more about young children who never cry than I do about those who cry a lot.

Almost all toddlers and preschoolers will show dramatic emotional responses, such as anger or crying, over what adults perceive as trivial events. This is especially likely if they do not yet have the verbal skills to express their frustration when a playmate steps on their sandcastle or insists on keeping her toy to herself. The crying is not a reflection of weakness, but of feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Although older children and adults quickly become impatient with such behavior in their friends, toddlers and preschoolers are more forgiving of occasional crying.

In fact, having a child this age who's quick to burst into tears is often more of a problem for the parents than for the child himself. As adults, we tend to blow such behavior out of proportion, especially if we are not used to being around young children. As parents, we often interpret it as a reflection of a failure on our part—which is rarely the case.

There are some situations, however, in which a parent's behavior will trigger or perpetuate emotional outbursts in a child, especially one who's highly empathetic. Bear in mind that these young children are especially attuned to the parents' emotions. A toddler who senses that her mother is upset may react by crying for what, from the outside, looks like no apparent reason.

Sometimes the words a parent hopes will be reassuring can unintentionally frighten a sensitive toddler or preschooler. Let's say your child is going to visit a farm with the other children in his preschool class. You're coming along on the trip to help out the teachers. Because your child's only experience with animals has been playing with your family's cat and a neighbor's dog, and occasionally chasing the pigeons in the park, you're concerned about how he'll respond to seeing a horse. After all, you remember being frightened when you saw someone thrown from a horse when you were a young child.

To prevent problems, you not only read him stories about the friendly animals on Old MacDonald's Farm, but you go out of your way to impress on him that while a horse may look big and scary, he's probably friendly. On the ride out to the farm, you tell him how exciting this trip's going to be. Just to make sure nothing goes wrong, you caution him against making any quick movements or doing anything else that might upset the horse. When he asks what a horse does when it's upset, you tell him that he shouldn't worry because you'll be there the whole time.

While your intentions are good, and there may even be some small basis for your words of caution, taking this approach will probably backfire. A sensitive child will prick up his ears at your warning. After all, you don't preface trips to the grocery store or visits to Aunt Susan with this sort of attention. Maybe he really should be concerned about that horse! What is it that you're not telling him?

By the time he gets to the farm, all he can think about is the horse becoming upset. Rather than feeding the horse a carrot like the other children in his class are doing, he grips your leg tightly and refuses to go anywhere near the animal.

Most children, but especially emotionally sensitive children, do better when their parents are more matter-of-fact in their explanations of what to expect. Reading the stories about animals is a good idea—even if the child isn't going to visit a farm. Probably the best thing you could have done was to let another parent chaperone the field trip, so that your child wouldn't be as acutely aware of your anxieties.

Of course, it doesn't take a parent having had a bad early experience with something for a sensitive child to become upset when he goes to a new and potentially threatening situation. Even a commonplace environment like a barbershop can be very upsetting to a preschooler. As with a visit to the doctor (see http://www.drkutner.com/articles/doctor.html), the best way to handle this is to bring the child there when nothing frightening is going to be done to him. Let him stay for a few minutes, survey the room and the equipment, go for a ride in the chair, and then go home.

There are some things that you can do if you're worried that your child is a bit of a crybaby—especially if the behavior is interfering with his ability to make or keep friends.

• Don't discourage him from crying. I know this sounds paradoxical, but it's important. Remember that these children are very sensitive, and that crying is a sign that they're overwhelmed. If you simply tell your child that he shouldn't cry, he'll become even more upset and produce even more tears.
  

• Check that you're not unintentionally reinforcing the crying. Some children come to believe that crying is, perhaps, the only way they can be sure of getting their parents' or teachers' undivided attention. This is similar to children who misbehave because they'd rather have their parents yell at them than ignore them. If this is the case with your child, you'll have to change your behavior before he can change his. Pay extra attention to him when he's behaving the way you wish, such as negotiating with another child who wants to play with his toys.
  

• Teach your child alternatives to crying. A preschooler who's upset at a friend's behavior will usually focus on the emotions of the situation. ("She was mean to me! I hate her!") This tends to perpetuate the crying.
  

After acknowledging the intensity of your child's feelings ("I can see you're very angry at Margaret for what she did"), help your child focus on the behaviors that led up to the problem. ("Did Margaret push you? Did she take away your doll?") Finally talk about what else your child might have done instead of bursting into tears. You'll probably have to supply most or all of the alternatives, such as telling the teacher or asking for the doll back.

You can also rehearse a bit, once your child has calmed down. Play her role and show her how she might be assertive in this type of situation. Then have her role-play her old role, with you pretending to be the aggressor. This way she can practice different approaches and her new skills in a safe environment until she has the confidence to use them in the real world.

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