Contra Costa Preschool Directory & Kindergartens
Playing one Parent against Another
by
Dr. Lawrence Kutner
After his mother turned down his request to buy a particular item, a nine-year-old boy approached his father and asked if they might speak privately in the kitchen for a moment. The father, who realized what was going on, listened patiently to his son’s request, and then asked him what his mother had said. "What’s the matter?" the boy asked. "Can’t you think for yourself?"
Children quickly learn the advantages of occasionally playing their parents against each other. By the time they’re a few years old, they’ve realized that just because Mom has said no doesn’t mean Dad won’t say yes.
Toddlers and preschoolers view the world, including their parents, differently than older children do. They often see things in magical terms, as if simply asking for something is enough to make it appear. To children this age, parents are all-powerful. The ordinary constraints of time and money mean little to three-year-olds. When their requests are denied, our carefully crafted and logical explanations ("We can’t drive that shiny care home because it belongs to someone else.") offer them little comfort.
A school-age child knows better. First, she’s likely to anticipate some of her parents’ objections. ("Can we please keep an Old English sheepdog in our apartment? I’ll feed him and brush him and he won’t be a bother to anyone. I promise!")
Since even a seven-year-old knows that the sheepdog has a relatively low chance of being allowed to stay, the child will probably try to increase the odds by approaching each parent individually, and tailoring each request to that parent’s personality, interest and "soft spots." ("I have a way for you to save a lot of money on babysitters, Dad!")
While the request is unrealistic, the techniques she’s using are actually quite sophisticated. They show her increasing ability to empathize with others. Instead of focusing on only her own emotions, she can more easily imagine how her parents might feel as well.
The elementary school years are also when children begin pitting one parent directly against the other, often when one of the parents is not around to set the record straight. For example, a child may try to convince his father that his mother gave him permission to watch a particular television program. Again, there’s no malice or bad character in such attempts. They are simply a way for children to handle the people who have so much power over them.
While a certain amount of manipulation is normal and healthy, if it occurs constantly it may indicate underlying problems at home. Children who frequently pit one parent against the other may be acting out the tension they feel between their parents. That’s one reason this type of manipulation is especially common among children whose parents are separated or divorced.
It can also be a problem in families where parents use children to apply emotional pressure on each other. For instance, instead of having family members openly discuss what they will do over a weekend, one parent may approach the children ahead of time about endorsing a particular plan. This sends a message that trying to manipulate people is acceptable.
It’s important to remember that although they may not sound like it at the time, many children are reassured when they fail at testing their parents’ resolve. Children get a feeling of security when they have predictable limits, even if they feel an obligation to test them every so often. In fact, the times when they make their most insistent tests may be the times when they need that reassurance the most.
